The Band-Aid Date: My First, First Date as a Widow

Let’s cut to the chase friends, I went on my first date.  In my last blog post, I mentioned I set a goal for my first, first date and I beat that goal. Please, hold your applause.  I’ve been thinking a lot about how I want to structure this widow dating series to be helpful, slightly entertaining, and, naturally, hit at the core of all the complexities that go along with this adventure.  For each post of this series, I’ll have a topic I discuss along with my chronicle of these dating experiences. I will not review every single date I go on, but I think the first one is important because, well it’s the first one and a big leap in this whole adventure. One thing to note here: I’ll keep this pretty high level to respect the anonymity of the people I go on these dates with. Also, this, one-hundred percent, centers on my experience and my point of view. Other people may have different thoughts and opinions, AND, I don’t take into account the perspective of the person I’m going on these dates with. That would be a fun blog post though; it’s always interesting for me to hear about the other side of the coin in this whole crazy dating world. But, back to the subject at hand.

Band-Aid Date Conception

As you can tell from the title of this blog, I’ve termed this first, first date after the loss of my husband Matt, as “The Band-Aid Date.” Why? Because, it’s like ripping off a Band-Aid. Heading into this date, I had a pretty solid idea of what I was looking for in this Band-Aid date. Do I think everyone needs to follow this process? Nope. I know quite a few people who meet their chapter two right away and some who will only date people they really see a future with. But, for me, I knew this was how I wanted to re-enter the dating world. I didn’t want to place pressure on myself to find Mr. Chapter Two right away. Do I have intentions of finding my second person eventually? Of course. But it doesn’t have to be right away or right now. After being removed from the dating game for over a decade, I personally feel a little rusty. I’m not sure I even know how to flirt anymore. I need practice. 

Emotionally, I also had no idea what to expect. I’ve taken this year to really get to a place where I don’t feel guilt or shame around dating again; where I truly believe that this is the path I want to follow and that Matt supports me in this. I knew I was in the best spot I could be in to start this, and yet, I still had no idea what my frame of mind would look like when rubber hit the road. Going into this date, knowing it was my “Band-Aid date” relieved some of the emotional pressure. It reminded me that this is not an all or nothing affair; that it is literally my first toe dip into the pool of dating. I had a few, preset rules for the Band-Aid date and they go as follows.

Rule #1: He must be someone I don’t know personally and is not correlated to anyone I know personally

This was a big one for me and one way that these online dating apps can be adventageous. Interestingly, I have never followed this MO when dating. Most of the relationships (and non-relationships) I’ve had, started with someone I knew somehow. Classmates, Friends, Friends of Friends, Co-Workers. In fact, I almost never dated anyone I randomly met somewhere. Except that one time I met some dude at a Southie bar and he ended up blatantly insulting my sisters then-boyfriend on our first date. So, you can understand why I’m hesitant. But for this experience, I decided that venturing outside my comfort zone and (living zone) would be a solid move. It removed the pressure of having to see the person again or dealing with any repercussions of other people being involved if it didn’t work out. 

I also wasn’t obligated to bring him in on my story, or feel the need to preface anything regarding Matt. I’m so back and forth on sharing my widowdom with people I go on first dates with. I don’t share it on the app for a variety of reasons, and I don’t think it’s particularly necessary to bring up on a first date. It did come up in conversation and I ended up sharing our situation with him. He was actually very sweet and kind about it; it didn’t feel awkward at all and we were able to move forward in the conversation without it feeling super heavy for the rest of the night. I consider this a widow win, and while I don’t think I’ll bring it up unless it comes up on a date, I don’t feel that anticipitory worry about it coming into the conversation. I can handle it like a pro and move forward in the conversation without it putting a pause on the evening.

Rule #2: The Date is on My Terms

Realizing I knew very little about this person, and having a slight obsession with serial killer documentaries, I wanted this date to be on my terms. Initially, I was hoping to just meet for a drink, but he asked if we could go to dinner instead. I agreed, but recommended we go to one of my favorite local spots (shout out to Amber Cafe). I may have left out that my cousin is the bartender there and there were at least five regulars hanging out at the bar I could turn to if it was a total disaster and I needed to pull out the SOS flags. 

He showed up fifteen minutes late, but I gave him a little lee-way because he lived about 30 minutes away. I had some time to sit in my feelings for a bit before he showed up. This was the first time I felt tears in my eyes in the pre-date period. I sat there, playing with my rings and thought “man, I can’t believe this is life right now.” I let myself process that thought for a bit, and work through some of the feelings that came from that. I’m glad I was in a space so familiar to me; a space where I felt comfortable and at home even in this very foreign experience. 

Rule #3: I’m Unattached to the Outcome

On the morning of the date, I did a thought download (something I do within my coaching practice and a tool I use in my own self-coaching); I occasionally refer to this as a brain dump. In that particular brain dump, I actually wrote “I’m approaching this lightly. I’m not necessarily looking for the next Mr. Forever (is that even a thing?) right now. I’m just getting to know someone and enjoy a couple drinks.” And that thought served me friends, even if I only enjoyed one drink.

Do you have to think this going into a date? Heck no. Will I think this going into every date? Probably not. But for this particular date, it seemed genuine to my experience and helped me feel, and show up, calmly. This is exactly how I wanted to approach the “Band-Aid” date. Not too high, not too low. I genuinely had no attachment to how this date turned out. It could have been a total disaster and well, as long as no one was physically harmed, at least it would have been a good story one day. It could have been amazing and well, then I would enter a whole new phase of emotional complexity, which would have been alright too. It ended up being neither, and that was perfectly alright as well! 

One thing I will say about this whole dating journey and not being attached to the outcome: as humans, with genuine thoughts, beliefs, and feelings, staying “unattached” as our thoughts and feelings grow about a person is impossible and, in my perception, not necessarily the goal. Of course, if I meet someone and we really hit it off, or I end up going into a date where I already have a connection with someone, there will be some sort of attachment. My brain will start doing what it loves to do….dream. And I may experience all the things that go along with vulnerability and loving someone again. However, as I go through this dating experience, one thing I’m remaining mindful of is staying unattached to the outcome in reference to what it means about me. And this is huge. Most things will not work out. One thing will. And that’s all ok. It doesn’t mean anything about who I am as a person, my propensity to love, or the likelihood of finding love again. And this is super important because it’s something I’ve never truly believed, even when I’m the person who calls things off. Going down the self-deprecation spiral is a long, unfulfilling journey friends. And one I’d prefer not to go on. 

So how did the date go?

I have to say, it went pretty well for a Band-Aid date. And it was super fun to laugh, have adult conversations, and learn about another person. I ventured outside my “type,” because really, do I even know what my type is anymore? In coaching, we talk about finding a “wants match” when you’re looking for a romantic partnership. The first step in that process is really figuring out what you want, not only in a partnership, but life in general. As a small example, someone who doesn’t enjoy the city probably wouldn’t work for me right now. “Wants” can be high-level or low-level but equally as important. This wants list is something I’m still working through and super important for this next chapter, but I don’t feel a super sense of urgency to have it figured out right now. I’m slowly unpacking it all. Now, back to the date.

 Aside from showing up fifteen minutes late, he was a real gentleman with a lot of stories to keep me entertained throughout our 1.5 hour date. Of course, I had my own stories and I’d say time was pretty well split between talking and listening. He was on the older edge of my age spectrum and that may have had a small role in how I felt about the date on the whole. It also ended up being way busier than expected in the restaurant, so at times, it was hard to hear each other.

I didn’t feel a spark, or really any sort of flicker that would propel me to say yes to a second date. I did find myself looking at the clock as we were nearing the end of our time together. I’m interested to hear what you all think about this too. Since it’s only my first, first date, I’m not too concerned, but I do wonder…do you believe in initial flickers as a sign to pursue a second date with someone? It’s not my only reason for not pursuing or saying yes to a next date, but I’m interested to see what the sentiment of others is on this topic. 

So there you have it. Band-Aid date in the books and I don’t feel like I need to reapply that Band-Aid just yet.

Shameless pat on the back,  I’m really proud of myself for doing this. I credit a lot of my level-headedness when it came to this date to both coaching and a year of really working on some of the thoughts I had on dating again. It also helps that I have a lot of support in this next chapter. Shout out to my family and friends. It’s super weird for all of us, and you guys are killing it in the cheerleader department. That night, I went to bed, talked to Matt about the date, laughed a little, and went to sleep. It’s weird, and strange, and all the things. It’s still hard, with a lot of complex feelings; sometimes, it still feels like I’m a spectator watching someone else’s life unfold. I’m not sure how that will evolve as I continue to meet people, go on more dates, and add other elements into this experience that don’t follow my Band-Aid guidelines. Do I need more Band-Aids? Not sure. Maybe? We’ll see what’s in store as I continue to uncover what I want in this next chapter and who I want to take along on this ride.

This is scary, but the real test will come when I do start to feel “those” feelings for someone else. Even the thought is a little eerie to me. I wrote this in a post the other day and I think it’s important to solidify in this chronicle because it really serves as the base of this whole series. Maybe it’s not about being “fearless.” Maybe it’s about taking fear along with us, and doing scary things anyway. 

See you next week, friends. 

Xtina