Dating Update

Hello friends.

This week has been heavy, on a macro level. I’ve tried to balance following the war in Ukraine, donating to reputable, vetted causes, finding credible sources, and carrying on with our day-to-day life, knowing that in the background, people are experiencing this unthinkable, unjust terror.  My club, the one no one ever wants to be a part of, will grow exponentially as a result of this war. People will die, as so many have in the past, defending their homes, their families, their land, and their freedom. It is gut wrenching.

And yet, I still feel the heaviness and the hard of my little world; it seems so insignificant sharing anything right now, but here I am. Bry is doing really well, and yet, it’s still really challenging raising a son by myself. I’ve had a lot of brain drama about this lately, especially as B gets older, his interests grow, and I can find all the ways I’m inadequate as a parent. But that’s a different blog post. Today, we’re going to talk about dating.

A while back, almost a year ago, I wrote about dating again. I’ve shared a few social stories suggesting that I’ve, at bare minimum, put myself out there-ish (in today’s world, that means I’ve signed up for dating apps). In reality though, I’ve had a really hard time executing on any of it. I have a lot of stories about why: 

• It’s too hard to schedule dates as a solo parent
• No one wants to date a single mom
• No one wants to date a widow
• I’m not interested in anyone who doesn’t line up to my exact “type”
• All the good ones are taken or would not want (see above)
• My life is too complicated for someone else
• It’s not as easy as it was when I was younger
• If I avoid it, it will just happen (this is my favorite one)

Lots. Of. Stories. I want to pop in here for some side commentary– I’m not ashamed, upset, or disappointed in myself for having these thoughts. I can find a lot of evidence why my brain assumes that all these thoughts are valid, to some degree. Maybe it was triggered by watching Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore in Blended Family? But last night, I needed a come to Jesus moment with myself about all of this. 

Is dating what I really want?

I don’t have to date now. I don’t have to date ever. This is a choice I’m making for me and one that I can easily pause or stop completely. I’ve told myself throughout this year that there isn’t a rush. I will date in my own time, maybe it’s just not right now. I’ve re-read my permission to date again posts, gone through my checklist of readiness, and taken a pause on the whole idea. There isn’t a rush and yet, I was using that as an excuse to avoid it all together.

That said, I really do want to date. I want to experience all those feelings that go along with romantic love.  I want someone to experience more of this life with; and, it’s not easy. I’ve had many moments when I’ve literally yelled at Matt, “I just want you to come back! This is NOT fair. I shouldn’t have to deal with all of this now.” I’ve had many moments when I can’t fathom having another “love of my life.” That phrase stings. But, on the other hand, I know I have a heart that will make room for more and desires more. So, check that box, yes, I want to date. 

So why all the stories?

Now that I can pretty much affirm I’m not just making excuses for not wanting want to date at all,  why am I telling myself all of these stories, to the point where I am convinced they are, without a doubt, true. How do I want to show up in this dating journey? What am I willing to do make room for this in my life? Here’s what I’ve uncovered.

I have a belief pattern that insists my life is too complicated for anyone to want to be a part of it.

In my teens and twenties, I had a lot of physical and “not good enough” insecruity tales. I wasn’t pretty enough. I wasn’t cool enough. I wasn’t smart enough. You name it, I had an insecurity to back it up. Now, my insecurities lie within my situation. No one wants to date a widow. No one wants to date a solo parent. My life is too complicated for anyone to want to take on. First of all, it’s just not freaking true. I know that logically; I’ve coached clients on this very thought pattern. And yet, I have a hard time truly believing it myself. Here is the thing, my life is not a fit for many people. There are complexities that may not exist in a relationship with someone who isn’t widowed; there are definitely more complexities than a relationship with someone who doesn’t have a child. And that’s ok. That’s not the person I want to date, long term, anyway. 

I’m not getting anywhere assuming that this will always be a problem. What if it’s not a problem? What if it’s an asset? What if it allows me to filter out the people who aren’t going to be a part of my life on a romantic level, long term? And, what if it’s ok that people opt out?

I am having a hard time shedding some ancient dating guidelines.

This one. This one was a mind blown moment. Back in my early 20s, I went through a series of half and, I’ll just say it, non-existent relationships with guidelines that didn’t really serve me in the long run. After those halfsies, I had a real difficult time letting anyone in. I wanted someone who checked all the boxes. If it wasn’t perfect, it wasn’t worth it. Then, I met Matt; he checked all my “boxes.”

• I was physically attracted to him, and he followed my typical “type.” 
• He was already in my group of friends and, therefore, vetted and legit.
• He was smart, funny, charismatic, had a great job, and still knew how to have fun.
• We had chemistry almost immediately. Whew, way easier than trying to create that chemistry over time.

Now, here I am, 12 years later, with some of those old, self-ascribed guidelines coming back into play. But I’m at a different place in life, and to be honest, I’m a different person now. I have new values, interests, and life experiences. The people I date will look different than the people I dated back in my early 20s, which makes sense, right? Do I have to follow all of these guidelines to a tee or can I explore other options? Perhaps this is a chance to expand my “type.”  Maybe it’s ok to test out apps and blind dates and all the things? At the very least, I’ll have an epic story that comes out of it. I joke (sort of).

I’m not prioritizing dating in my life. 

Even writing this feels awkward. No one wants to say they’re going to “prioritize dating.” We’ve been conditioned to believe that dating just happens.

“It will happen when you least expect it.”

“If you don’t focus on it, it will happen.”

“Just let things unfold organically.”

So, will this happen while I’m out to dinner with my son or at the playground or picking up my dogs poop? Yes, I do believe you can meet someone when you aren’t expecting “it.” Matt and I are an example to some degree. But even in that case, if we weren’t open to dating at all, if we weren’t in a space to prioritize each other, then it wouldn’t have happened. I can guarantee that. And if I’m not able to make time to meet people or go on dates, then how will that work long term? 

So here I am, in complete vulnerability, letting ya’ll know I’m prioritizing this part of my life. As with many of you, I have a lot going on. Raising a son solo, running a household, my marketing work, my life coach business, A Matter of Hope, exercise, and staying on top of all of the relationships with friends and family that are a major part of my life. If I don’t prioritize this to some degree, it won’t happen. I’ll find a lot of reasons why I don’t have time for dating. I’ll make a lot of excuses as to why it’s impossible to go on dates, to meet people, and to entertain a romantic relationship in my hectic life. So, I’m not giving my brain that option. I’ve recruited a friend to help me out with this too, and she’ll be hopping in occasionally on my blogs to offer some outside commentary on my dating adventures.

Dating is hard.

Our brains are always going to revert to keeping us safe. Anything that may potentially cause heartbreak, embarrassment, discomfort, rejection, or dare I say, more grief,  is freaking scary. Dating means being vulnerable with another human again. Dating means opening myself up to rejection. Dating means opening the door to more complicated and complex feelings, knowing how much I still love Matt and attempting to make room for another. Dating means (potentially) allowing other people into my sons life. So, what do I do? I go back to keeping things status quo, even if it doesn’t serve what I want for myself, and my family, long term. Because it’s safe and, you know what, I’ve been in a space where safe was necessary and vital to my survival. I’m not in that space anymore. Dating may not be super easy. It can be fun and exciting and funny and mind blowing, and….hard at the same time.

I’m sure many of you have seen the news about Nightbirde, the singer/songwriter, American Idol contestant, and cancer warrior who recently died. I wasn’t going to bring this into this post, but while she was on the show, she said something to the judges that really hit me. If you don’t know about her, I encourage you to look her up. She is magical and amazing and it is yet another tragedy of someone the world lost far too soon. I swear, if I see “lost her battle” one more time, I’m going to freaking throw something through a window. But I digress. She said, “You can’t wait until life isn’t hard anymore before you decide to be happy.”  When I saw the replay this week, I couldn’t help but tear up. Not because I felt bad for her, but because I felt inspired by her. She nailed it.

So what now?

Welp, now I give this dating thing a try. I’ve signed up for two apps (Hinge and Bumble), at the recommendation of many of you and a really good friend who I consider a dating app master. Truth be told, I’ve signed up for both of these on and off over the course of the year, but for the past couple weeks, I’ve been much more active on them. This in and of itself is a huge step; big apology to all those I’ve ghosted over the past year. It’s not you, it’s me (ok, sometimes, it was totally you). I’ve actually set a deadline to go on my first date. I cannot wait to hear all the reactions to this, but for me, I need to give myself deadlines and goals or it won’t happen. I have friend and family support in this, which I think is a topic in and of itself, and one I’d like to blog about in the future. Many have already begun wracking their brains of potential date matches. I’ll be sharing this journey with you all, while clearly respecting the anonymity of the people I go on these dates with. All posts will be vetted by a friend to make sure I don’t accidentally reveal too much. I’d love to interview other widows or friends who find themselves dating again as part of this series too. If this is you, shoot me an email (xtina@christinasgambato.com).

I’m sure I will also get a lot of eyebrow raises about this. Why share? Why do I always share? Because there is someone out there who needs to hear this, to see this, and to know that they aren’t alone in this atypical, complicated, path. If I can help, inspire, or let just one person out there know that they aren’t alone in the mess, it’s worth it.

Until next time,

Xtina