We’re Moving to Baltimore!

Life is crazy, dear readers. Life. Is. Crazy. Last fall, I announced my decision to move up to Connecticut. Welp, that was short lived. In typical Xtina fashion, I’m here to let you all know, we’re moving back to Baltimore! If you knew me circa 2010/2011, this may sound strangely familiar. And yet, it is entirely different (but hey, it worked out for me, right?) A couple of years ago, I was forced into the position of redesigning my life and everything I thought it would be. With that, comes processing, changing, re-evaluating and figuring out what serves Bryson and I. Without having my counterpart to bounce these thoughts off of (and actually hear something back), I’ve had to navigate waters I never, in a billion years, thought I’d be navigating, alone. So here we are today. Honestly, this is the most confident I’ve felt about my decisions in a very long time. 

Let’s get one thing straight. I do not regret moving up to Connecticut.

At that point in time, it felt like the right thing to do. A friend of mine asked me a few months ago about whether or not I regretted moving. I said “I think I made the best decision I could, given the information I had at hand.” At that point in time, having my parents and my in-laws nearby gave me brain space to work through some of the grief I never seemed to have time to work through; I processed some of my new (and solo) mom anxieties, knowing help was relatively close by. Of course, that paved the way for more grief grenades and storms bubbling below. Do I think moving back is going to stop those? Absolutely not. And that’s not the point. Allowing the grief to really manifest showed me that I can handle it; just like I can handle solo parenting, even if it wasn’t the path I chose. My grief and my growth can co-exist; one is not at the expense of another. Moving to Connecticut was exactly what I needed at that moment. Not only did it provide the sense of security I needed at that point in time, it allowed me space to really figure out where I wanted this next chapter to evolve.

Baltimore is home.

I remember a conversation Matt and I had on our honeymoon in Portugal. We were sitting over the hills of the Douro Valley, sipping on wine and talking about our future. This was really the first conversation we had about children, determining “it may be something we’d be open to.” I asked Matt if he’d consider moving back up to New England as our family grew. It was a hard no for him. We spent nearly the past decade of our lives building our community in Maryland. In addition to our actual family down there, we had our friend group who had morphed into an extension of our family. And while we love our family and friends in New England,  we realized that they had developed their own systems, friend groups, and routines. I felt a little less hard-nosed about it, but Matt was definitely of the mindset that Maryland would be our “forever place.” 

And I get it now. Somewhere amidst those years, Baltimore became home. It was where our tribe of mostly transplants “grew up,” together.  But it was even more than that; it was the familiarity of the neighborhoods, the businesses, the charm of the region we invested so much of our adult life in. Life is different now. The “we” that once included Matt has changed. I needed to really dig in and figure out if the “me” and the “we,” which now includes Bryson, can continue to grow, flourish, and thrive in that same environment. Is it too hard to carve out a new path in the thick of all the memories? Do I still love Baltimore as much without Matt? And I do. For all the same reasons I loved it before; in fact, one could even say, it has become even more like “home” for me. 

This became so evident to me the first time I drove back down to Baltimore in January for a work related trip. I teared up as I drove past the Natty Boh sign welcoming all northerners driving down 95 to Charm City. That same sign  welcomed me over ten years before as a young, 24 year old looking for “a change.” That same sign welcomed Matt and I back to Baltimore at the end of every New England road trip. I drove past that sign hundreds of times, but this time was different. It tugged on every heart string that existed inside me. Welcome back never felt so…emotional. Since my initial trip, I’ve gone down to Baltimore almost every other month, for a variety of reasons; from birthday parties to work related trips to simply visiting our crew. Bry and I walked around the city, visited the parks, and stoped at all our “spots”  he became quite familiar with during his second year of life. We visited our family 30 minutes away; watching these little cousins play together, a small but powerful reminder of dreams of a life past, sunk in deep. We all know nothing will ever be the same; that the life we pictured is drastically different without Matt here. But does that require total upheaval? The seeds of possibility were planted.

I could have easily said “I’m moving to Baltimore” months ago, but there were questions that needed answering first.

I have a history of being impulsive, and with emotions riding high, I easily could have made a decision without truly thinking it out. I wanted to feel clear, certain, and confident in my decision and not solely dependent on all of my emotional energy to make this life choice. Matt usually helped me temper my impulse and emotion; now, I had to do this critical evaluation on my own.

1. I’m not moving back to solve a problem.

Year two of grief has not been a walk in the park, my friends. The acute pain of initial grief dissipated; the shock, the confusion, the survival mode wears off. What’s left is the every day reminder of not having Matt here when it feels like I need him most. The realization of time moving on, people moving forward, and life still evolving in Matt’s absence really struck hard. It’s been a delicate balance of knowing I want to continue creating love and meaning in my life and giving my grief the space to exist on it’s own. It felt like two steps forward, one step back sometimes. Moving back to Baltimore won’t take my grief away, nor do I want it to; living anywhere isn’t going to change how I feel, how I process grief, and whether or not I find purpose and meaning. There are still challenges I face, like all humans do. Where we live won’t change any of that.

2. I’m comfortable bringing Bryson back to the city

For most of my non-Baltimore readers, I’m sure there is a pang of uncertainty when I say I’m raising my son in the city of “The Wire.” For all my Baltimore-readers, even you may have some skepticism about raising children in Charm City. I totally understand; despite my soft spot for Baltimore and my “city girl” nature, I really had to feel confident that this was the right thing to do for Bryson. Can Bryson thrive in this city? 

Bryson will thrive where mom thrives; I know this. But I needed more. I did my research; I asked different families living in the city for feedback. I became well-acquainted with the Live Baltimore website, different Baltimore parents forums and websites, and school zones. I read crime reports and reviewed my own personal knowledge of the city. And because of all this, I feel 100% comfortable bringing Bryson back to Baltimore. I see growing up in a culturally diverse, energetic city as a benefit. While he may not get the big backyard, he’ll have a plethora of parks to run around in and play like the maniac he is. And I’m not crying about no yard maintenance. He’ll have museums, festivals, farmers markets, and activities around every corner. He’ll learn how to navigate the city with me (and Charlie) on foot, scooter, and bike. And, he’ll always have Uncle Kris and Aunt Judi’s house in the country for some extra space, tree house visits, and fun cousin time. I don’t think it’s better or worse than growing up in a more suburban area; it’s just different. I am here for it.

3. I’m ok moving back knowing my friends can always move away.

A few years ago, Matt and I joked that we could no longer add anymore people to our friend group. It may have been our 20 person wedding party? But there was no more quality space for adding friends. Fast forward to now. I find myself in an area where I don’t know many people, during a pandemic, and as a young widow. I consider myself a pretty outgoing, friendly person, but at the age of 34/35, it felt like such a chore to re-establish a new group of friends. I have my friends! That said, I didn’t want to make this decision solely to be closer to my crew. Of course, that’s an added bonus and I’d be lying if I said it didn’t somewhat factor into my decision. BUT, I had to reassure myself that if my friends were to leave the city (which they totally can at any given time), I would still feel confident and happy with my decision to move back. It helps knowing that my Maryland family seems stationary where they are, and my community spans far, even beyond my group of close friends. Part of growing and evolving will include meeting new people and creating new, additional friends. There is a lot of opportunity to do that in the neighborhoods and communities of the city. 

After all of this, I also had to come to terms with knowing that, in an emergency or even a non-emergency, my parents and in-laws are not around the corner. Part of me still worries about those times I get sick and it’s hard to take care of a child (and a dog) by myself. But, as my dad reminded me, those are the exceptions and not the rule. I’ll have to plan a little more and have back-up options. I may have to hire for certain things I never considered hiring for before. This is just part of the territory now, and I need to feel comfortable with all of it. 

At the end of the day, all roads lead back to Baltimore.

I will miss being this close to my family and my in-law family. I definitely felt pangs of concern in telling them about my decision. I am incredibly lucky for all of the support I have, knowing each member of my family backs me 100%. I also had to work through some  drama over changing my mind. What will people think? They will surely assume I’ve gone mad. Does it matter? On the other hand, I’m looking forward to being “home” again. At the end of the day, this was a decision I needed to make on my own, with the best interest of Bryson and myself in mind. If there’s anything I’ve learned over these past three years, it’s that life is unpredictable, dynamic, fragile, yet so strong. And this, well this is just the beginning of our next, charmed chapter. I am pumped to take ya’ll along for the ride, hon.