Balancing Joy and Grief in my Second Pregnancy after Widowhood

Navigating Complex Emotions: Joy, Fear, and Grief

Hi friends– coming to you live, 19 weeks pregnant, and in this blog post, I’m bringing you all deeper into my psyche and experience, as I balance joy, grief, and a slew of complicated emotions during this second pregnancy after losing Matt and beginning this next chapter with Paul.  Before we get into that, I’ve had a lot of questions about how things are going right now. 

Physically, the second trimester has been much easier. My nausea has subsided, I have more energy (most of the time) and, now, it’s just a matter of watching my belly grow and my body rapidly change. I’ve had a few new symptoms I didn’t experience with Bryson, including some back pain. But, I’m back to exercising regularly, thank you Peleton, and investing in items like a standing desk and, yes, even new bras. I’m not sure if it’s one, or the other, or all of the above, but these tweaks have helped. I’ve also had the DRIEST skin– no matter how much I hydrate. I’ve started using cult favorite, Brazilian Bum Bum Cream (yes, you read that right), on my belly and in other dry areas, and it is helping! It also smells divine. I have a few other Prime Day purchases heading my way, so will let you all know how some of this second-trimester product testing goes. I digress.

Now, we’re a little over a week away from our Anatomy Scan, which is as exciting as it is terrifying. I’m excited to see Jellybean; it’s been twelve weeks since we last saw her and she was as developed as an 8-week-old embryo is. Now, she’ll look like a baby! How cool is that? On the other hand, all of my anxiety-ridden disaster planning begins. What will they find? Which is a segway into this blog. As always, this is my personal experience I’m sharing with you with the hope that it will help someone else who may be experiencing complex emotions over a situation that you believe “should” feel or even be different. At the very least, perhaps this provides another perspective from someone who has had a much different experience.

A Mosaic of Emotions

This second pregnancy ignited a true mosaic of emotions—joy for the opportunity to bring another child into this world, excitement for another evolution of my story with Paul. deep fear of the unknown, the ever-present grief of losing Matt, and the residual trauma stemming from everything we’ve endured as a family. 

I am inherently grateful and excited for this baby girl– when we found out we were pregnant, my initial reaction was sheer joy. Uncomplicated joy. Excited for Bryson, to have the sibling I always wanted him to have. Excited for Paul, to experience being there from the beginning and navigating through all the stages with me. Excited for myself, knowing this wasn’t the end of my pregnancy journey– that I was lucky enough to be a mom to another baby. I realize how blessed we are for this gift. However, as with many aspects of our human experience, and specifically for those of us who have endured a significant, life-altering loss, it’s complicated. I wish it wasn’t– I have gone through battles over the last 19 weeks fighting with all the feelings. Fighting the complexity of the situation and fighting the anger over what we’ve endured. However, if there’s one thing I’ve learned over the past five years, it’s that embracing this complexity, rather than fighting it, has allowed me space to manage my anxiety and not let my trauma steal more than it already has. Perhaps I “should” feel all of these emotions. Perhaps…that’s ok. As Megan Devine reminds us in her amazing book, “It’s ok that you’re not ok.” 

Understanding My Anxiety Triggers 

Anxiety, my old friend. I’ve spent nearly my entire life battling you. And yet, somehow we’ve actually learned to live, to survive, together. Certain moments during this pregnancy—whether it’s doctor appointments or dates that hold significance— tend to trigger all the thoughts that create space for my anxiety to flourish. Blood work. Ultrasounds. Testing. For some, for most, these are routine pregnancy experiences. For me, they set the stage for “finding out” my next greatest battle. I analyze every blood test. I stress over routine exams. I battle overwhelming fear with any imaging performed inside my body. What will they see on those scans? Ugh, even that word. What will they reveal for me and for the baby? My brain creates an entire story over what will happen next when they “find something.” At one point over the last five years, I was spiraling with health anxiety, demanding scans when I believed something was terribly wrong. I had an angel of a nurse practitioner say to me after all the testing and scans she ordered for me even though she didn’t truly believe anything was wrong, “It’s ok that you’re feeling this way. You’ve been through a lot, and it is normal to feel all of this.” She didn’t dismiss me. She knew. At that moment, I remember feeling this sense of relief.

Over time, I’ve used CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) techniques and coaching tactics to help me maneuver through high-anxiety situations, allow space, but also refocus. As Steve, my therapist, reminds me, I fixate on control. When faced with situations I can’t control, I still try– and that’s where my anxiety rears its ugly head. That’s when I create these fear-ridden stories because my subconscious, primal brain believes that if I know, if I can predict, what will happen, I am protecting myself and those I love. This is possibly one of the greatest breakthroughs I’ve had in therapy. I’ve found ways to identify and cope with the anxiety that comes with this pregnancy and my desire to control all outcomes. Walking. Writing. Sometimes, just taking a shower, letting the tears flow, and regrouping. I recognize the tendency and then relinquish control. I know this is only the beginning– soon enough, we’ll approach the end of this pregnancy, which signaled the beginning of the most traumatic experience of my life. I know the places my brain will want to go, and how determined I am not to let it take over those special moments.

Balancing Joy and Guilt 

As I’ve written many times, one of the many reasons I love Paul is because he holds space for me, for Bryson, for my story, for Matt. For it all. When we first began the discussion of having a child together, he expressed a desire to want me to have the postpartum experience I was robbed of with Bryson. One that didn’t involve sleepless nights in a hospital room, a constant division of my attention between caring for my newborn baby and standing beside my husband during his darkest moments, “bad news” appointments, and rocking my newborn at night, praying to God that this wasn’t some sort of cruel exchange. Trust me. I want that too. In perhaps an utterly selfish way, I deserve it. 

And in wanting that, I muddle with pangs of guilt, sadness, and uncertainty. Bryson was robbed. Matt was robbed. They can’t get that time back– but I get a second chance? I came across a video taken right after Bryson was born of Matt and me playing with him on the floor. Hearing Matt’s voice as he played with Bryson and knowing all that was happening in the background; It hurts more than I can describe. And yet, I couldn’t stop watching. There’s a comfort even in the pain– in knowing that during this small snippet of time, Matt and Bryson had this moment. I’m sorry there weren’t so many more, Matt. You deserved so much more.

In that vein, I want Paul to have all the special moments knowing I am all in on this. I hope he understands that despite complicated emotions, I am head over heels for this baby girl and genuinely excited for the next chapter of our story. I may not be the same person I was five years ago– are any of us? The situations that have tested my capacity to survive have also shown me that I can survive.

Embracing Uncertainty and Finding Peace

I have no idea what the rest of this pregnancy will bring and what will happen after. I do know, that right now, in this moment, we are healthy and happy. And sometimes, my light-hearted, future planning allows me to refocus my brain. Sometimes, it’s the exact thing I need. I refuse to let thoughts over a precarious, potential circumstance take away these precious moments from Paul, my baby girl, Bryson, and me. 

If there’s one thing I’ve learned through grief and pregnancy times two, it’s that uncertainty is inevitable. But instead of trying to control every aspect of this experience, I’m learning to find peace in the unknown. I’m learning to slowly let go of my desire to control everything and concede that life will unfold how it will; what I can control is my response. So, if planning for the future, Pintresting Jellybean’s nursery, picking baby names with Paul, and cuddling with Bryson while discussing big brotherhood brings me joy, I am all in. If going for a walk, taking a long cathartic shower, or writing helps me navigate grief and anxiety-ridden moments, let’s do it. And, if I need to sit in moments of grief, sadness, uncertainty, and fear, well, there’s room for that too. 

Jellybean’s Baby Name BRACKET

 Speaking of which, something that brought me a lot of joy in the last pregnancy was our baby name reveal contest!  This time, we’re upping the game. So, without further adieu, let me introduce you to Jellybean’s Baby Name Bracket! Paul and I have TOILED over baby girl’s name for months on end, finally arriving at eight names that we spent a lot of time going back and forth on. If you think you know, you probably don’t. So now, it’s your turn! In the spirit of March Madness (presumably, the month Jellybean will arrive), we thought it would be fun to do a Baby Name bracket.

Here’s how it works:

1. Follow this link to access the bracket.
2. You’ll notice a list of 60 names, similar to a March Madness bracket.
3. You can either print the bracket page and fill it out manually OR fill it out digitally until you get to the “champion” name.
4. All brackets must be completed by next Sunday (10/20) when we release the first round of winners.
5. Send me your final prediction at xtina@christinasgambato.com or on one of my social channels before 10/20, if you want to play for a prize!*
6. Make sure to follow my Instagram or Facebook account, or subscribe to my email list to be the first to know who makes it to the next round! I’ll include winners and maybe even a few hints in my future blog posts as well.
7. We are still trying to land on the date we’ll share with you all– but it will most likely be after our maternity shoot in December. All of those who sent me their predictions by 10/20 are eligible to win a special prize!

* Note: It’s totally ok if you just want to follow along for fun and not send me the final name! But isn’t so much more fun with a little competition? 🙂

Big thank you to all of you who continue to read these posts, especially my OG readers that have been with me through multiple content pivots and changes, and still come back for more. I appreciate it more than you know. Happy bracketing!

Until next time,

Christina