Our Next Chapter Has Begun

Eighteen months. It’s been a year and a half since I last took pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard) and wrote on this blog. So much has happened. So much has changed. And there is just so much to share. Last time I checked in, you all learned about my “Band-Aid” date. Welp, Spoiler alert– I’m ENGAGED! Today, I’ll give you a quick run-through of how this all transpired. Many of you may know most of this, so hopefully, this isn’t too redundant and if it is, I promise, there will be more posts to come.

Let’s begin with where I’ve been for the last eighteen months. This blog has been more than a blog for me. Since 2020, this blog has been my lifeline. It was cathartic—a way for me to share all the complicated messages, confusion, anger, sadness, hope, and, well, grief that I bottled up, frankly, since Matt was diagnosed. It became a resource for me to connect with others who shared the rare and unavoidable truth I was living. It morphed into a platform that didn’t make me feel so alone in this experience. I am forever grateful not only to have these posts but for the people who cared to read them. It matters.

But I needed a break—I needed time to work through all I had going on in my brain and my life without feeling obligated to write about it. I will share a little bit more about the first half of 2022 in a later post. Suffice it to say, that time does not heal all wounds. Grief is not linear, and the aftermath of loss, the secondary losses associated with the big loss, can be just as devastating. More to come. But for this post, this “return to the blogging scene,” I’m going to pick it up on May 3, 2022— at my job interview.

How We Met

As many of you know, in 2022, I decided to re-enter the dating scene. I took the advice of several friends and readers, shed my preconceived notions and skepticism around dating apps, and gave it a go. After a series of dates (both via apps and via friend connections), I may not have found a chapter two, but I did re-ignite some confidence in my ability to flirt, date, and conceivably meet someone, even with (what I deemed) a unique and complicated situation.

Among the many changes I was making in the early part of 2022, on a whim, I decided to interview for a job with my current company for a Director of Marketing position. After a great virtual interview with the CMO, my first on-site interview was on May 3, 2022. When I arrived at the office, I was greeted by the Director of Talent, Paul. A handsome guy, with a noticeably bare ring finger, Paul and I made small talk while we waited for my panel interview with the C-suite. We connected over a few Baltimore-related stories and his candid description of what this role would entail. Sparing you all the details of my interview, and despite a distinct amount of silence coming from the Director of Talent, Paul and I locked eyes when one question came up that put both of us on the spot. His EYES! Mysterious and kind at the same time—I was intrigued. If Paul were writing this, he’d mention that he felt like, in that moment, I was the girl he’d marry one day. He didn’t know why– he just had that feeling.

He decided to stay extra silent when it came to discussions on whether or not to hire me, just in case. I did get the job, and because of our very different departments, we didn’t cross paths very often. Until July, that is.

Did you say, Ghostwriter??

As part of a big brand refresh, our entire leadership team was asked to participate in an all-day brand workshop, followed by a happy hour. The workshop was originally scheduled for a different date when Paul was on a family trip, but due to extenuating circumstances, the workshop was rescheduled and we both happened to be part of this. Paul tells this story best (who wants a guest post from the man himself??), but his first attempt at engaging in conversation with me was on my way back from the bathroom when he asked me, and I quote, “What were you doing in there?!” His reference was to the very strong, distinct smell of Mary Jane (not from me), but it took me a minute and an awkward chuckle before I realized his point of reference.

As I learned a little more about Paul, including his hatred for lawn maintenance and the fact that he had never attended the infamous Chili Cookoff in downtown Sykesville despite living there for 11 years, I became more and more intrigued by my coworker. My interest peaked when he brought up my favorite childhood show, Ghostwriter. Could it be? A fellow gumshoe? We were the last ones hanging out at this happy hour, even as it began to drizzle on us. Knowing I had to get back to Bryson, we said our goodbyes. Attractive, funny, mysterious, and even a little quirky? Interesting… but also, my co-worker. I can’t date a coworker.

Feel Good Friday

The next morning, I did what any professional would do following a work-related happy hour; I LinkedIn requested Paul. As the story goes, the LinkedIn request gave Paul the green light to send me a Microsoft Teams message– a YouTube link to a Ghostwriter episode. Eventually, Paul decided to make the move and give me his phone number. I told my mother I would never date a co-worker—it only took three weeks following that statement for me to make an exception to my rule. Over the next couple of weeks, we had a few fun text conversations, including an eight-hour exchange during which we started to learn more and more about each other.

I hadn’t felt this feeling in so long—that giddiness and excitement that goes along with the prospect of new love. Scared? Maybe a little. But at this point, I was ready to lean into all the happiness and fuzzies. After four years of HARD, I was ready for not hard. I needed not hard. And this felt anything but hard. I’ve never been the aggressor or the one to make a move— I’m not sure if it’s the superhumanness that comes along with going through one of the hardest, darkest human experiences; that feeling of being unbreakable. But I had little reservation about letting Paul know I was interested and suggesting that first date—our first of many “Feel-Good Fridays.”

That first date lasted eight hours, included three different places, and served as Paul’s first introduction to my family—Bryson and Judi. Impulsive? Perhaps. But I knew, I had a feeling, that this wouldn’t be the only Feel-Good Friday in the cards for us. And it wasn’t.

Should we make it official?

That first “Feel-Good Friday” took place on July 22, 2022. Over the next six weeks, Paul met some of my best friends at a Kenny Chesney concert, my family and friend group at A Matter of Hope, and we took our first trip together, visiting two of my best friends (along with our larger group) to St. Augustine, FL. We road-tripped up to Massachusetts to pick up Bryson after his visit with my parents, and at that point, decided it was time to tell our bosses and teammates. We had no idea what the reaction would be—but we were prepared to handle whatever came our way.

Luckily, we were met with incredible support from so many. It was risky—introducing Paul to all these people who play such an important and intricate role in my life. It was risky for Paul—attending A Matter of Hope, and getting thrown right into the fire of feelings, friendships, and nostalgia. It was risky, not knowing how our colleagues would react to our relationship. It all had to be worth it—and it was.

The next chapter has begun.

I always said it would take a very special person to take on this next chapter with me. It takes someone who understands that a piece of my heart will always be with Matt—that I am who I am today, in large part, because of Matt and the growth and evolution I went through because of our experiences, both amazing and tragic, together. It takes someone willing to be a father figure to my son, while also being patient, knowing that I have parented by myself for most of Bryson’s life, and sharing that role with someone else is a major change for me. It takes someone who understands the role my family, including my Sgambato in-laws, and friends play in my life—and is willing to be a part of that.  Most importantly, it takes someone not only open to, but loving me because of, all of it. And I found that person in Paul.

Paul ignited something in me that I hadn’t felt since Matt— fire, comfort, passion, trust—a unique combination of feelings that come together when you find someone who is meant to be a greater part of your story.  Love after loss is complicated— and much like grief, it’s not without swerves and challenges. Phrases like “love of my life” or “one true love” don’t resonate. Fear over the “other shoe dropping” is real. What I’ve learned through all of this is that it’s all okay. I can love Paul and still love Matt. My love story with Matt, and what we built, will always be part of my story and my soul. And now, in this chapter, my love story with Paul will bring new experiences, growth, and chapters. There is so much more to share—about loving in this next chapter of life, about our relationship, about THE PROPOSAL, wedding planning, all of it.

I’m excited to pick this back up again—to continue sharing this journey with all of you. Thank you for your unending support as I continue to figure out this wild ride.

Until next time,

Xtina