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So this is 40: Ramblings on my 40th Birthday
Today, I turned forty. Wow. Over the past few weeks, I’ve been conducting an internal investigation to understand why this feels so significant. Maybe it’s the cultural weight of entering a new decade. Maybe it’s because December always has a way of stirring things up for me. Or perhaps it’s because, if I’m being honest, the last decade of my life bears almost no resemblance to the decade I thought I’d have. I’ve been writing down notes, little reflections, gentle reckonings, honest observations as I grapple with this milestone, but as I sit here, writing this with my everyday morning coffee in hand, everything feels a little louder. A little…
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On the Edge of 40: Gratitude, in All Its Forms
As we head into Thanksgiving, I’ve been thinking a lot about gratitude. ’Tis the season of “What are you thankful for?”; a question that sounds gentle enough until someone asks it during a year when simply brushing your hair feels like an achievement. Or worse, during a year when that question feels insulting, naive, and jaded, especially during the holiday season when emotions are high, and loss is even more pronounced. For perspective on the holidays and grief, check out this post I wrote back in 2021. Gratitude as a Luxury For years, gratitude was one of those concepts people told me I should cling to; a healing tool, a…
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Five Years Without You– A Letter to Matt
Tomorrow, Christmas Eve will mark five years since Matt left this earth. Five years of grief, change, and learning to exist in a world I never imagined. So much has changed, and yet, so much remains. About a month after Matt died, I penned a letter to him. It seems fitting to do the same, five years later. Five years feels like five minutes and five lifetimes. The initial sting of acute grief has dissipated, but new faces of grief emerge. The fear that accompanies time and distance. As I hold onto Matt’s memory and legacy, will other people? Will they remember his presence as vividly as I do? Even…
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Building our Next Chapter: A Q&A with my husband on partnering and parenting with a widow.
Hello friends. I cannot tell you how excited I am to share this blog. You have spent years following this story from my perspective as a young widow. Now, I’m bringing in a different perspective– one from the person on the other side of the love after loss chapter- my second husband, Paul. As we prepare to welcome our baby girl, Paul and I sat down to reflect on the journey that brought us to this moment—one woven with love, resilience, and a shared commitment to building a life together. So much of my story has been about navigating loss, healing, and finding joy again, but there’s another side to…
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Our Next Chapter Has Begun
Eighteen months. It’s been a year and a half since I last took pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard) and wrote on this blog. So much has happened. So much has changed. And there is just so much to share. Last time I checked in, you all learned about my “Band-Aid” date. Welp, Spoiler alert– I’m ENGAGED! Today, I’ll give you a quick run-through of how this all transpired. Many of you may know most of this, so hopefully, this isn’t too redundant and if it is, I promise, there will be more posts to come. Let’s begin with where I’ve been for the last eighteen months. This blog…
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Dating Update
Hello friends. This week has been heavy, on a macro level. I’ve tried to balance following the war in Ukraine, donating to reputable, vetted causes, finding credible sources, and carrying on with our day-to-day life, knowing that in the background, people are experiencing this unthinkable, unjust terror. My club, the one no one ever wants to be a part of, will grow exponentially as a result of this war. People will die, as so many have in the past, defending their homes, their families, their land, and their freedom. It is gut wrenching. And yet, I still feel the heaviness and the hard of my little world; it seems so insignificant…
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The Holidays in Grief: Another Secondary Loss
It’s taken me some time to get this blog post up, partly because this time of year, in general, is still hard to process. I’ve honestly thought about taking an actual break from it all; from writing my blog, from social media in general, from publicly transcribing this very real journey I’m on. The loss of Matt, the roller coasters of emotions, my journey into dating. Is it too much? Is it too heavy? For me. For my readers. For my family and friends who have, to some degree, had to relive this devastation and walk alongside me in the aftermath. Ironically, this morning, I received an email from one…
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Identity Loss in Widowhood
We made it! It has been a hot second, blog family. But we made it to Baltimore! Bryson and I are settled into our new home, and have been busy with all the things. Work, friends and family get togethers, outdoor festivals, local trips, and exploring the city streets. Bryson is now a walking, Baltimore GPS system and can name more of the streets, by sight, than I can. Needless to say, I’m pretty impressed. And me? I am feeling more settled than I have in a while. In the wake of another successful A Matter of Hope event, I also completed an intense life coach certification program. That’s right, you…
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A Matter of Hope 2020 vs. A Matter of Hope 2021: A Reflection on My Personal Growth
What a month, friends. Last we spoke, I let you all know that Bryson, Chuck, and I are moving back to Baltimore! A week from today, we close on our house in Charm City and give Baltimore a second breath of Sgambato-life. Can’t get rid of us that easy! If you missed my announcement, make sure to check out my Baltimore blog post, where I go into a bit more detail on why I made this decision and all the factors contributing to this decision. As our close date swiftly approaches, and A Matter of Hope-2021 wraps up, I’ve been doing some reflecting on what I’ve learned over this past…
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We’re Moving to Baltimore!
Life is crazy, dear readers. Life. Is. Crazy. Last fall, I announced my decision to move up to Connecticut. Welp, that was short lived. In typical Xtina fashion, I’m here to let you all know, we’re moving back to Baltimore! If you knew me circa 2010/2011, this may sound strangely familiar. And yet, it is entirely different (but hey, it worked out for me, right?) A couple of years ago, I was forced into the position of redesigning my life and everything I thought it would be. With that, comes processing, changing, re-evaluating and figuring out what serves Bryson and I. Without having my counterpart to bounce these thoughts off of…
