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On the Edge of 40: Gratitude, in All Its Forms
As we head into Thanksgiving, I’ve been thinking a lot about gratitude. ’Tis the season of “What are you thankful for?”; a question that sounds gentle enough until someone asks it during a year when simply brushing your hair feels like an achievement. Or worse, during a year when that question feels insulting, naive, and jaded, especially during the holiday season when emotions are high, and loss is even more pronounced. For perspective on the holidays and grief, check out this post I wrote back in 2021. Gratitude as a Luxury For years, gratitude was one of those concepts people told me I should cling to; a healing tool, a…
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On the Edge of Turning 40
In sixish weeks, I’m turning 40. It’s just a number, right? I’ve never been the type to get worked up over age. Maybe it’s because I was always the youngest growing up. I was the last to get her license, the last to turn 18, the last to turn 21. It’s funny how your attitude shifts from “finally!” to “already?” Turning 30 didn’t faze me. I laugh along with the “getting old” jokes among my friends. Even after experiencing the kind of loss that permanently rearranges your relationship with time, I’ve still seen my birthday as a reason for celebration. I’m acutely aware, painfully aware, of how fortunate I am…
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This is 39: Reflections and Goals for 2025 (and 39)
Well, we almost made it friends– and 2024 has been a wild one. As I sit down to reflect on 2024, on the eve of my 39th birthday, I can’t help but feel an overwhelming sense of gratitude for this past year. I didn’t create a “word of the year” for myself in 2024, but if I did, it would have been “rebuild.” That’s not to say all of the rebuilding happened in 2024– it’s been years of resetting, digging into the foundation and core of who I am and what I want from this life, and reflection. And, let’s be honest, I’m still a work in progress. Aren’t we…
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Five Years Without You– A Letter to Matt
Tomorrow, Christmas Eve will mark five years since Matt left this earth. Five years of grief, change, and learning to exist in a world I never imagined. So much has changed, and yet, so much remains. About a month after Matt died, I penned a letter to him. It seems fitting to do the same, five years later. Five years feels like five minutes and five lifetimes. The initial sting of acute grief has dissipated, but new faces of grief emerge. The fear that accompanies time and distance. As I hold onto Matt’s memory and legacy, will other people? Will they remember his presence as vividly as I do? Even…
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Balancing Joy and Grief in my Second Pregnancy after Widowhood
Navigating Complex Emotions: Joy, Fear, and Grief Hi friends– coming to you live, 19 weeks pregnant, and in this blog post, I’m bringing you all deeper into my psyche and experience, as I balance joy, grief, and a slew of complicated emotions during this second pregnancy after losing Matt and beginning this next chapter with Paul. Before we get into that, I’ve had a lot of questions about how things are going right now. Physically, the second trimester has been much easier. My nausea has subsided, I have more energy (most of the time) and, now, it’s just a matter of watching my belly grow and my body rapidly change.…
