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Permission to Be “Ok” and “Not Ok” Moving Forward
A few weeks ago, when I had my overwhelming week, I felt so mentally drained. My thoughts were literally engaging in a mental tug of war. In my last blog post about giving myself permission to grow and live fully again, I spoke about the concept of post-traumatic growth, finding meaning in my life in the face of loss, and shedding some of the resistance to truly moving forward in my life. I’ve been doing a lot of self-work this year, figuring out how to integrate grief into my life now so that I can help myself and, ultimately, help others while still honoring the loss and the gaping hole…
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Permission To Date Again As a Young Widow
A couple weeks ago, I was having A WEEK. Sometimes, all of this can be so, overwhelming. And if there’s one thing I know, nothing productive comes from a feeling of “overwhelm.” So, I gave myself permission to take a day off from work for no reason at all except to work through all the messiness happening inside my brain. And what I realized was, it’s time to start giving myself permission. And that, my friends, is the inspiration for this three part blog series. Over the next few weeks, I’ll be sharing three different points of “permission,” starting things off with the heaviest of the three, “permission to date…
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The Reality of Grief
I recently posted my Sunday update calling for questions from you all. And then I realized, WTF am I doing? I could hear Matt saying “Christina, write what you want to write. No need to censor it or try to appease everyone else.” The truth is, I knew what I wanted to write, but I worry that writing about the reality of grief is “too dark” for people. Most of my readers are family, friends, old classmates, and people I’m connected to outside the grief world (nope, still not a famous blogger over here). Reading about grief is not uplifting and it is definitely not for the person looking for…
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One Year Without You, Matt
Over the course of the year, I’ve shared my experiences as a young, widowed mom. I’ve done everything in my power to preserve Matt’s legacy, show the world what an incredible (and slightly off-center) person he was, and to continue fighting for him every damn day. I’ve probably overshared some of my deepest fears, concerns, and experiences.
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Reflections– One Year of Widowhood
Next week, while the world celebrates Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, our family will feel the stark pain of one year without Matt. While we’ll do our best, as we always do, to create a sense of normalcy out of the abnormal, the hard truth is that Christmas Eve is now a very complicated holiday for us. And while I pray that memories of years past and merriment in the present bring us more laughter than tears, I can’t even begin to mask the void. Last year, I felt like a zombie just rolling through the motions of Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, and the holidays that followed over the coming…
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I’m Moving: The New England Chapter
The secret has already been revealed, especially to all my friends and social media followers. I made the bittersweet decision to move back up to New England. This decision was far from easy and the single most challenging decision I’ve had to make since Matt’s death. I have a lot of thoughts around this choice. I know many of you had questions around it as well; so, I’m going to dig into the nitty gritty and explain the why and how I came about committing to this astronomical change. When I sold my house and decided to rent, I chose to do this because I needed time, less responsibility,…
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A Matter of Hope, Vacation, and Mini-Life Update
What happened to August? No idea. What happened in August? Everything. So much to talk about, I don’t even know where to begin. We’ll start with the obvious, my passion project, A Matter of Hope. Leading up to A Matter of Hope, I had this really calm assurance that everything would work out how it was supposed to. Trust me, after spending months pivoting, changing plans, and looking for ways to make this work, my random optimism was personally quite refreshing. I guess I felt like we did everything possible to make this successful, and at the end of the day, that’s all that mattered. It helped that we surpassed…
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Advice for Friends and Family of Grievers
I reached out to my social media channels and asked fellow grievers for the advice they wish they could have given friends and family members prior to loss.I’ve crafted this post not to call people out, but to help people see things from the grievers point of view. It’s 100% not your fault that you don't know how to handle very delicate, highly volatile situations like grief. There is no textbook on the right thing to say or do.
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Our Cholangiocarcinoma Story: A Big WTF
On May 1, 2018, Matt and I found out we were pregnant with our first, and subsequently only, son, Bryson James (aptly named Pistachio at the time). In August of 2018, we moved from our beloved townhouse in Baltimore City to what was supposed to be our forever home “out in the country.” On January 14th, 2019, I gave birth to our son and we became parents. One week later, at the age of 34, my husband Matt was diagnosed with Stage IV Cholangiocarcinoma
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Navigating through the pandemic, widow life, and other questions.
Considering the fact that over the past 4 months, I lost my best friend and gained the terrible title of widow at the age of 33 (almost 34), got quarantined in my new apartment because of a worldwide pandemic, and share a bed with a one-year old, crib-hating ninja warrior (who I love, dearly), I’d say I’m doing alright; I’m still kicking over here.
