Permission To Date Again As a Young Widow

A couple weeks ago, I was having A WEEK. Sometimes, all of this can be so, overwhelming. And if there’s one thing I know, nothing productive comes from a feeling of “overwhelm.” So, I gave myself permission to take a day off from work for no reason at all except to work through all the messiness happening inside my brain.  And what I realized was, it’s time to start giving myself permission. And that, my friends, is the inspiration for this three part blog series. Over the next few weeks,  I’ll be sharing three different points of “permission,” starting things off with the heaviest of the three, “permission to date again.”

In initial grief, dating again was unfathomable.

This is a tough subject for me to write about for a variety of reasons, but ultimately, it’s one I’ve struggled with the most. When Matt first died, the concept of dating again didn’t even enter my thought spectrum. A few people remarked “Matt would want you to find happiness again,” and I just smiled and nodded. I didn’t disagree, but my brain just wasn’t in a place to even process something that seemed so bizarre. That’s exactly what it felt like; just bizarre. 

Most people avoided this subject with me, and those who did bring it up were simply showing their support for me or trying to give me something tangible to hope for. I wasn’t there yet. The whole situation didn’t even make sense to me; thinking any farther in the future than the next two hours was out of the question.

Eventually, I got to a place where I thought about dating again. “Can I give myself permission to date again?” 

I had fallen in love before Matt entered my life, and I surely could fall in love again, even if I still love Matt with all my heart. BUT, and this is a BIG but, I would immediately revert to feeling guilty for thinking these thoughts. The concept of more than one person holding active space in my heart seemed so illogical and wrong to me. What did this mean about me? What did this mean about my love for Matt? What did this mean about our relationship? I was not giving myself permission to date again, much less, love again because I couldn’t get past these thoughts and feelings around shame, guilt, and fear. I was afraid that, by having these thoughts, I was somehow betraying Matt, our love, our past, and the life we built together. 

Logical, retrospective me knows that none of these “thoughts” are true. I don’t have to believe them, even if they persist. I just wasn’t ready. And that’s ok. I really tabled this internal dialogue, returning to it every so often to separate out fact from fiction. But that wasn’t the only work I had to do to give myself permission to date again.  I highly recommend listening to this podcast my coach created, “How to Know When You’re Ready To Date.” It truly helped me, in tandem with coaching, to determine that I am truly ready to give myself permission to date again. 

Permission to date again, without the permission of others

Working through my own thoughts and feelings around dating again was hard enough; add on how worried and scared I was of how others would react? Well, that’s just a sea of misery right there. Truth be told, I’m still a little nervous writing this. But, that’s part of the human condition. I love my family and friends like no other; the thought of disappointing them or hurting them is really hard. But I’ve done hard. I will never change another person’s thoughts or feelings; I can’t, honestly, prevent anyone from thinking or feeling any one way or the other. And there will be people who don’t support this; there will be people who make assumptions about what this means about me. And that’s ok. If anything, this “journey I never wanted to go on” has taught me that staying true to myself, even if my actions are met with disdain from others, is really the only way to move forward in this life.

I often allude to how much I admired Matt for his total abandon of what other people thought of him. I talk about how I hope Bryson carries that trait with him, because it’s not something that comes naturally to me. But, situations like this change you; they change everything. And while I can’t guarantee everyone I love will support me, I can guarantee I will still love them back, even if they don’t approve. But this is my journey.

Permission to date again, because I want to and not to fill a void

Like most young widows, I was suddenly jolted into this situation I never, in my wildest nightmare, could have fathomed. As the mom of a barely one year old, survival mode kicked in. How am I going to raise my son, and provide him the life he deserves, all by myself? I didn’t sign up for this! When I initially considered dating again, I focused, intensely, on our future. I put pressure on myself to consider dating for Bryson; I put pressure on myself to consider dating because I didn’t want to do this parenting thing alone; because I believed I COULDN’T do it alone. But, I can say with unwavering certainty, I can do this on my own. I can raise Bryson by myself and give him the best life ever. It may not be what I planned, or the future Matt and I designed, but I can do it. In fact, I think I’ve done a pretty damn good job, thus far. 

I also put pressure on myself to consider dating because I hated the void. I  wanted to fill that void with something, anything. Because, quite frankly, it was uncomfortable, scary, and really, really lonely. The thing is, I will never fill the void that exists in my life now. It is an impossible feat to even propose that. No one will ever be Matt or fill in that space of what was “supposed to be” our future. I hold space in my heart for Matt now, and for Matt always. That’s the beauty of love; it can’t comprehend mortality. But, I can continue to make room for new love and growth and different dreams and all that comes with still living and breathing and enjoying this earth. I’m curious what that will look like; where will life and love take me? 

Permission to date again, and be prepared for the consequences

Loving again inevitably opens me up to losing again, in more ways than one. There’s the obvious lesson in mortality I learned all too young. More common, exists the opportunity to get hurt; to hurt someone else. “But Christina, you’ve experienced the hardest of hard. Surely things like this won’t get you down?”  I’m still human. I feel, probably even deeper now, all the feelings that come along with loss. And, at one point in time, the thought of any additional loss in any form was just TOO overwhelming. Adding trauma on trauma…can I really handle it? Am I too, justifiably, fragile?  I’ve spent time working through a lot of this, reminding myself that it may be hard. But I can do hard things and still survive.

Then there’s the Bryson factor. Am I prepared to allow other people into his life, knowing that there carries a risk of losing that person? I’ve had a lot of thoughts around this and I’ve mentally set some boundaries and rules to avoid recklessness when it comes to this particular situation. I also know that I can’t protect Bryson forever, especially against any sort of inevitable losses that will happen again in his life. I can’t protect him from ever feeling pain or hurt again, or seeing his mom hurt again. I’m comfortable knowing that I’m prepared to deal with whatever may come from the choices and decisions I make regarding dating, love, and everything that goes along with it.

All this being said, I haven’t ACTUALLY started dating again; I’m simply giving myself permission to date again.

I’m allowing for the opportunity without shame and guilt. I went back and forth as to whether or not I wanted to share this, especially before I even went on a date. But for the sake of documenting my experience, authentically, this seemed like the logical first post.

Now, that being said, the rest is TBD. I’m working through a lot of pre-judgements and potential misjudgments around dating again as a young widow. I’m fully aware that our situation is far from normal and uncomplicated. If you thought I was picky before in my pre-Matt life, we’re taking it to the next level. I’m not even sure what the really means, but I’m leaving it in there anyway.

In my next “permission” post, I’m going to talk about giving myself permission to take chances, risk failing, and all that jazz.

Until next time,

Xtina