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Identity Loss in Widowhood
We made it! It has been a hot second, blog family. But we made it to Baltimore! Bryson and I are settled into our new home, and have been busy with all the things. Work, friends and family get togethers, outdoor festivals, local trips, and exploring the city streets. Bryson is now a walking, Baltimore GPS system and can name more of the streets, by sight, than I can. Needless to say, I’m pretty impressed. And me? I am feeling more settled than I have in a while. In the wake of another successful A Matter of Hope event, I also completed an intense life coach certification program. That’s right, you…
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A Matter of Hope 2020 vs. A Matter of Hope 2021: A Reflection on My Personal Growth
What a month, friends. Last we spoke, I let you all know that Bryson, Chuck, and I are moving back to Baltimore! A week from today, we close on our house in Charm City and give Baltimore a second breath of Sgambato-life. Can’t get rid of us that easy! If you missed my announcement, make sure to check out my Baltimore blog post, where I go into a bit more detail on why I made this decision and all the factors contributing to this decision. As our close date swiftly approaches, and A Matter of Hope-2021 wraps up, I’ve been doing some reflecting on what I’ve learned over this past…
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We’re Moving to Baltimore!
Life is crazy, dear readers. Life. Is. Crazy. Last fall, I announced my decision to move up to Connecticut. Welp, that was short lived. In typical Xtina fashion, I’m here to let you all know, we’re moving back to Baltimore! If you knew me circa 2010/2011, this may sound strangely familiar. And yet, it is entirely different (but hey, it worked out for me, right?) A couple of years ago, I was forced into the position of redesigning my life and everything I thought it would be. With that, comes processing, changing, re-evaluating and figuring out what serves Bryson and I. Without having my counterpart to bounce these thoughts off of…
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A Quick Widow Life Update
It’s been a while, friends. We’ve had a lot going on these past few months. On top of my day job and taking care of a tyrannical two year old, I started my coaching certification in April, Bryson and I both came down with some nasty viruses (props to daycare), A Matter of Hope is in full swing, and we’ve had a few *gasp* trips. The world appears to be opening back up again and I am here for it. Along with the excitement though, comes a little anxiety. Aside from the brief, blurry two months I had in early widowhood, I haven’t known the “old normal” without Matt by my…
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Preconceptions About Dating As A Young Widow
About a month ago, I wrote my first “dating” blog post touching on my revelation that I’m ready to date again. In that post, I mentioned I still have preconceptions about dating I wanted to work through, which brings us here. While I haven’t spoken much about dating since that post, quite a few friends and family members (I think), felt a little relieved to talk to me about it without “offending” me. I’m not easily offended, but I appreciate their level of care. For the record, I still haven’t gone on any dates or even remotely spoken to someone with the potential of going on a date. I’ve been…
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Keeping Their Memory Alive in Grief
Last weekend was rough. To be honest, weekends aren’t what they used to be right now; one could argue, are they ever? If you’re on my email list, you know all of the thoughts floating around in my head that probably led to a climactic, post-shower cry session. In my “Fear” blog post I wrote back in August of last year, I discussed my fear of the gap; time passing between Matt’s death and the present. I worry about forgetting intricate pieces of Matt; his touch, his laugh, his gaze. All of it. I worry that memories will fall into an abyss and that I will inherently feel “less connected”…
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Permission to Be “Ok” and “Not Ok” Moving Forward
A few weeks ago, when I had my overwhelming week, I felt so mentally drained. My thoughts were literally engaging in a mental tug of war. In my last blog post about giving myself permission to grow and live fully again, I spoke about the concept of post-traumatic growth, finding meaning in my life in the face of loss, and shedding some of the resistance to truly moving forward in my life. I’ve been doing a lot of self-work this year, figuring out how to integrate grief into my life now so that I can help myself and, ultimately, help others while still honoring the loss and the gaping hole…
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Permission to Grow: Choosing Life after Loss
In this next installment of my “Permission” series, I discuss giving myself permission to grow. Going through the trauma of Matt’s death prompted me to take an inventory of my life and ask the very large, somewhat vague question, “who am I?” So much of my identity and my future self was encased in the dreams Matt and I had together. It was comfortable; it was safe; and I believed that even if the road was rocky, we would handle it together. When he died, I lost all of that. It left me in a place of ambiguity, with so many unanswered questions. And while I knew that the only…
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Permission To Date Again As a Young Widow
A couple weeks ago, I was having A WEEK. Sometimes, all of this can be so, overwhelming. And if there’s one thing I know, nothing productive comes from a feeling of “overwhelm.” So, I gave myself permission to take a day off from work for no reason at all except to work through all the messiness happening inside my brain. And what I realized was, it’s time to start giving myself permission. And that, my friends, is the inspiration for this three part blog series. Over the next few weeks, I’ll be sharing three different points of “permission,” starting things off with the heaviest of the three, “permission to date…
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My Wedding Rings
I did a thing. I knew this decision, this choice, would happen sporadically. It had to. On Saturday morning, I woke up and asked my mom if she would come with me, as I sought out the perfect chain to put my rings on. I went to Garieri Jewelers in Sturbridge MA and found the most elegent, rose gold chain to put my wedding ring and engagement ring on. It’s been almost 14 months since Matt died; for the past six months, I’ve had a lot of mind drama over taking my rings off. I scoured blogs, widow groups, and podcasts trying to find even the smallest amount of guidance…
