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Keeping Their Memory Alive in Grief
Last weekend was rough. To be honest, weekends aren’t what they used to be right now; one could argue, are they ever? If you’re on my email list, you know all of the thoughts floating around in my head that probably led to a climactic, post-shower cry session. In my “Fear” blog post I wrote back in August of last year, I discussed my fear of the gap; time passing between Matt’s death and the present. I worry about forgetting intricate pieces of Matt; his touch, his laugh, his gaze. All of it. I worry that memories will fall into an abyss and that I will inherently feel “less connected”…
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Permission to Be “Ok” and “Not Ok” Moving Forward
A few weeks ago, when I had my overwhelming week, I felt so mentally drained. My thoughts were literally engaging in a mental tug of war. In my last blog post about giving myself permission to grow and live fully again, I spoke about the concept of post-traumatic growth, finding meaning in my life in the face of loss, and shedding some of the resistance to truly moving forward in my life. I’ve been doing a lot of self-work this year, figuring out how to integrate grief into my life now so that I can help myself and, ultimately, help others while still honoring the loss and the gaping hole…
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Permission to Grow: Choosing Life after Loss
In this next installment of my “Permission” series, I discuss giving myself permission to grow. Going through the trauma of Matt’s death prompted me to take an inventory of my life and ask the very large, somewhat vague question, “who am I?” So much of my identity and my future self was encased in the dreams Matt and I had together. It was comfortable; it was safe; and I believed that even if the road was rocky, we would handle it together. When he died, I lost all of that. It left me in a place of ambiguity, with so many unanswered questions. And while I knew that the only…
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Permission To Date Again As a Young Widow
A couple weeks ago, I was having A WEEK. Sometimes, all of this can be so, overwhelming. And if there’s one thing I know, nothing productive comes from a feeling of “overwhelm.” So, I gave myself permission to take a day off from work for no reason at all except to work through all the messiness happening inside my brain. And what I realized was, it’s time to start giving myself permission. And that, my friends, is the inspiration for this three part blog series. Over the next few weeks, I’ll be sharing three different points of “permission,” starting things off with the heaviest of the three, “permission to date…
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My Wedding Rings
I did a thing. I knew this decision, this choice, would happen sporadically. It had to. On Saturday morning, I woke up and asked my mom if she would come with me, as I sought out the perfect chain to put my rings on. I went to Garieri Jewelers in Sturbridge MA and found the most elegent, rose gold chain to put my wedding ring and engagement ring on. It’s been almost 14 months since Matt died; for the past six months, I’ve had a lot of mind drama over taking my rings off. I scoured blogs, widow groups, and podcasts trying to find even the smallest amount of guidance…
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The Reality of Grief
I recently posted my Sunday update calling for questions from you all. And then I realized, WTF am I doing? I could hear Matt saying “Christina, write what you want to write. No need to censor it or try to appease everyone else.” The truth is, I knew what I wanted to write, but I worry that writing about the reality of grief is “too dark” for people. Most of my readers are family, friends, old classmates, and people I’m connected to outside the grief world (nope, still not a famous blogger over here). Reading about grief is not uplifting and it is definitely not for the person looking for…
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One Year Without You, Matt
Over the course of the year, I’ve shared my experiences as a young, widowed mom. I’ve done everything in my power to preserve Matt’s legacy, show the world what an incredible (and slightly off-center) person he was, and to continue fighting for him every damn day. I’ve probably overshared some of my deepest fears, concerns, and experiences.
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Reflections– One Year of Widowhood
Next week, while the world celebrates Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, our family will feel the stark pain of one year without Matt. While we’ll do our best, as we always do, to create a sense of normalcy out of the abnormal, the hard truth is that Christmas Eve is now a very complicated holiday for us. And while I pray that memories of years past and merriment in the present bring us more laughter than tears, I can’t even begin to mask the void. Last year, I felt like a zombie just rolling through the motions of Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, and the holidays that followed over the coming…
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House Buying 2020 style
In the theme of “lets completely throw life up in the air and see where it falls (#2020),” I bought a house during the pandemic. Not only did I buy a house, I moved hundreds of miles away, back up 95, in an effort to be closer to more family members who can help Bry and I out as we begin our next chapter. Did I mention I never actually stepped foot in the house prior to purchasing it? And that I only stepped foot in my new hometown ONE time before purchasing this house? Would it really be 2020 if it were any other way? Writing this blog, I’m…
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I’m Moving: The New England Chapter
The secret has already been revealed, especially to all my friends and social media followers. I made the bittersweet decision to move back up to New England. This decision was far from easy and the single most challenging decision I’ve had to make since Matt’s death. I have a lot of thoughts around this choice. I know many of you had questions around it as well; so, I’m going to dig into the nitty gritty and explain the why and how I came about committing to this astronomical change. When I sold my house and decided to rent, I chose to do this because I needed time, less responsibility,…
