Navigating through the pandemic, widow life, and other questions.

Hi friends, family, veteran readers, and new readers most likely following my blog because #widow. I hope everyone is fairing slightly above abismal during this quarantine. I know it’s been a rough go. I was a tad bit unempathetic in my initial post regarding COVID-19; it was not meant to come across that way. I do feel for everyone out there, struggling with the fear, loneliness, and uncertainty blanketing society. If anything, I can provide you with a shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen, because I am no stranger to all of these emotions. I can also tell you that this pandemic will pass; you will move forward and, while normal may look a little different in the future, it is awaiting all of us.

Now, onto my post for today. I recently posted an “ask me your questions” post on Instagram and received quite a few questions, some of which I’ve used to craft my post today! I hope you enjoy this off-label, easy read post. As always, if you have any questions I haven’t answered, feel free to send them my way. As you can imagine, I have a little extra time now that my social life consists of zoom calls and watching Bridesmaids with my mom.

Xtina Instagram Q&A

1. How are you doing?!

Are we talking relative to three months ago or relative to three years ago? Those are two VERY different points of reference. Considering the fact that over the past 4 months, I lost my best friend, gained the terrible title of widow at the age of 33 (almost 34), got quarantined in my new apartment because of a worldwide pandemic, and share a bed with a one-year old, crib-hating ninja warrior (who I love, dearly), I’d say I’m doing alright; I’m still kicking over here.

I have tough moments, and days, exacerbated by this pandemic. I find myself asking what would Matt and I do to navigate through this time (and, really, how much 409 spray would we go through?)  I walk by couples strolling their babies and wish Matt was with me, face mask and all, strolling baby B. I mean, that was the plan; that was supposed to be us. With more downtime, there’s a lot more time for reflection, which can be a good thing, but it can also be really tough. I work through it though. I let myself feel the pain and navigate through the storm of emotion; then I pull myself out after hearing the less-than-gentle cry of my son, which serves as solid reminder that spiraling is just not an option.

What do I do to help pull myself out? Sometimes, I’ll simply think of a funny Matt memory. Sometimes, I’ll dive into the A Matter of Hope event or work. Walks, conversations with friends, and, without a doubt, playing with Bryson all help me cope. Regardless of the tool, I latch on to whatever I can to refocus and center myself.

Let’s talk about something lighter…

2. What are your favorite make-up products/brands?

I find this question hilarious, though I’m flattered, because I am so far from a beauty expert. I’ve basically had the same “routine” since high school with some minor tweaks. Less makeup, more actual skincare products. But I guess that’s part of “adulting?” I have a few staples to help my tired mom look.  I really like IT Cosmetics CC Cream (I use the medium shade) and Tarte’s ShapeTape concealer. I almost always wear mascara. Pro tip: I only purchase sample size mascara tubes because the large ones always dry out and I feel like it’s such a waste of money. Maybe I’m doing something wrong? Comment with your mascara longevity tips. As far as brands, I really like most of the Benefit cosmetics mascaras. That’s about it friends. 

3. How do you manage working from home and taking care of Bryson (past, present and future)?

At the risk of redundancy, I’m incredibly lucky to have my mom down here helping me take care of Bryson while I work. Prior to quarantine (and basically all of last year while Matt was sick), my mom stayed in Maryland and quickly took over the role as “Nanny Nonna.” We’re transitioning her out of that role so she can simply be the well-deserved title of “Nonna.” Unfortunately, that transition has been a bit delayed thanks to ‘Rona. We’re hoping to ship her back home at the end of the month. My cousin will be venturing down the east coast to live with me and assume the role of nanny while testing out the waters in good ol’ Baltimore. Eventually Bryson will go to daycare. We’re all very ready to enter this next, essential phase of “moving forward.”

4. Will you ever move back to Massachusetts?

I will not eternally commit to anything right now. One thing that is very clear to me, you literally cannot plan for everything. I mentioned this in a blog post where I discuss my decision to move back to Baltimore. I’m *hoping* that “ever” is quite a while, so I will never say never. Anything can change in our lives at any point. Most of our immediate family still lives in New England, but I also have family and framily in Maryland, along with many other places around the country. I’ve spent the past ten years building a life in Baltimore and, for the foreseeable future, this is where we’re supposed to be.

5. What was Bryson’s first word?

“Da-Da.”  Bryson still points to photos of Matt and says “da-da.” It gets me every time.  It’s important to me that Bryson recognizes Matt as “da-da,” though I’m dreading the day when I have to actually explain everything to him. We’ll show him pictures and tell him stories as he gets older of how awesome, kind, slightly eccentric, and always memorable his father was. He may not fully remember everything that went on during his first year of life, but he’ll have a very vivid picture of his father and how much his father loved him.

Time for another loaded question. 

6. Is it hard talking about Matt and his battle?

Two very different questions. First, I’ll address question number one, “Is it hard talking about Matt?” Absolutely not. At the risk of making an assumption regarding universal grief processes (which we all know vary tremendously), most of the people I’ve met WANT to talk about their lost loved ones, particularly in better times. In fact, I think it’s even MORE important post-mortem. I find it very therapeutic to talk about Matt, and as potentially crazy as it sounds, I “talk” to him quite frequently . I love hearing the Matt stories, Matt-isms, and all of the reminders and signs Matt has gifted us with. It keeps his spirit very much relevant and alive for me and it’s my hope these reminders continue for Bryson. Though our time together was cut far too short, our relationship helped shape me, grounded me, and provided me with some of the best memories of my life. Why would I not want to talk about him? 

As far as question number two goes, talking about his battle is an entirely different beast. It’s really hard for me to discuss what we went through last year in detail, which explains why I haven’t blogged about it. At some point, I will talk about it and/or blog about it publically; I know there’s value in sharing the hard times, as an empathetic nod to those who are going through similar experiences and for the general public to understand WHY it is so, so important for us to keep fighting this battle for him and for all of the other warriors out there. It is why I will not give up and turnover for cancer. This battle is not over.

7. What is your grieving process like?

I can only speak about the “process” I’ve personally been going through, and you can refer to my blog post on grief for more insight. As far as new developments in how I’m coping, I have started to open up and speak to other young widows, which has helped tremendously. I was a little timid about this, to be honest. In dealing with my own sadness, I was hesitant to hear about more sadness. I now understand why Matt really didn’t want to go to support groups last year. However, I have found it quite refreshing to converse with others who have experienced tremendous loss in an untimely fashion. I also read a book called “The Hot Young Widows Club,” which I highly recommend to anyone (not just widows) going through the grieving process (or even those looking to understand how to relate to someone going through the grieving process). If you’re looking for a frank, yet oddly comical, take on grief, this is your book. To anyone this may pertain to, I’m sorry you also have to deal with an astronomically unfair and awful situation. You are not alone.

Aside from that, dealing with grief is complex. I still get angry; I’m still sad. The uncertainty of what lies ahead terrifies me. Survivors guilt is real. If I see one more cancer commercial, I’m throwing my television through the window. And don’t get me started on “your new normal.” However, despite all of this, I know Matt is with us, watching over us, asking me not to destroy our appliances, and helping us push through the tough moments, one Michael Jackson kick at a time. So, we march on with an extra bit of mental toughness, spark, and clarity.

That’s all for today friends. Thank you for all of your questions (I know I didn’t get to all of them, but I will). I love having the opportunity to hear from you and give you some candid responses. It also makes for a really, really simple way to pull together an effective blog post, and I’ll continue to throw in these q&a’s once in a while if you all enjoy them!

Until next time friends, stay golden (alone)

Xtina