Preconceptions About Dating As A Young Widow

About a month ago, I wrote my first “dating” blog post touching on my revelation that I’m ready to date again. In that post, I mentioned  I still have preconceptions about dating I wanted to work through, which brings us here. While I haven’t spoken much about dating since that post, quite a few friends and family members (I think), felt a little relieved to talk to me about it without “offending” me. I’m not easily offended, but I appreciate their level of care. For the record, I still haven’t gone on any dates or even remotely spoken to someone with the potential of going on a date. I’ve been doing some self-work on some of the preconceptions about dating as a young widow; if we’re being honest, I’m still a skeptic. But, despite my skepticism, I’m willing to give this a shot if the opportunity arises.

I’m not sure if I mentioned this before, but I’ve had not one, but two, medium experiences over the course of this year. Matt’s understanding of my constant need for reassurance is completely evident. The second experience revealed that I am, in fact, going to meet someone again along with a few other details I won’t share quite yet. Am I breaking medium/spirit code telling ya’ll this? In a sense, this conversation paved the way for my brain to allow these thoughts of dating again; in my mind, it confirmed Matt is on board with this. Has anyone else out there had medium experiences that were totally spot on? Send them my way!

Maybe I’ll clue you all in on some of the guidance she provided at some point, but I don’t want to prematurely plant seeds or tamper with anything. Is it someone I know? Is it someone I meet (or have met) in CT, MD, MA or somewhere else? Who is this mystery man Matt has approved of? Why can’t he just tell me who! I can tell you one thing, she specifically said I would not meet this person through online dating, which is a relief and not surprising based on what I’ll bring you in on below. In the meantime, we’re going to break apart some of these preconceptions and prejudgements I’ve had to work through on dating as a young widow. 

Preconception: I can’t move past the “wrong-ness” of all this.

“It’s not fair that I get to enjoy life, and Matt had to die.” This thought doesn’t only relate to my dating status; these thoughts have permeated through  all mediums of my life, honestly, from the minute Matt was diagnosed. It’s not fair that Matt has to deal with cancer, treatment, side effects, and the reality that he may not live to see his son grow up. It’s not fair that I have the opportunity to enjoy life, and Matt doesn’t. It’s not fair that I can date again, perhaps even find love again, and Matt died. He didn’t sign up for that, and neither did I. 

It’s also not fair to hold myself accountable for something I cannot change and I had no power over. A lot of you have shared your support; have even gone so far as reassuring me that Matt is totally on board with this. I needed to believe it myself; I needed my brain to find evidence that, “Yes Matt died and yes, I’m still here.” I needed my brain to realize that regardless of whether or not I feel like things are “fair,” they are my reality. I had to step outside myself and ask, “what do I want my future to look like now?” I also had to decide that I wouldn’t allow these feelings/thoughts to determine what I truly believe about my present and my future.

Preconception: “No normal person will want to date a widowed mom of a toddler.”

I jested with my co-worker/friend about this after she read my blog post. “Hi, I’m Christina. I’m a widowed mom of a two year old who still loves my dead husband immensely. What’s your name?”  Probably NOT the best line. 

But seriously, it feels SO MUCH MORE complicated dating now than it did in my early 20s. The last time I was “dating” prior to my relationship with Matt,  I went through a series of unprophetic “date-lationships” and determined, at the ripe old age of 24, I would be an old spinster. I convinced myself that I lost my shot long before the date-lationships. I’d say I regretted some of those early-20s, “half,” at best, relationships, but I didn’t. Each of them taught me important lessons (for the most part); about what I did and what I didn’t want moving forward from both myself and my partner. And they all led me to Matt. My life was SO not complicated, even if I was stubbornly convinced it was.

Life is much different now. I come as a package deal with my past (Matt) and my present (Bryson) very much a part of who I am. It’s also not all of who I am; in fact, there’s a lot of Christina that is simply me, growing and evolving as my own person. Every person comes with some level of complication. Sure, some situations may be a little (or a lot) more complicated than others, but that just means the weeding out process will be much more efficient. I have, naturally, changed immensely from my early 20s; how I view love, life, relationships. A lot of this growth happened alongside Matt; a lot of it has happened since losing him. So yes, my situation may be complicated and it is most definitely not for everyone, which is great because I don’t want to date everyone! It will be for the right person up for the challenge and growth that comes with “us.”

Preconception: “How am I supposed to start dating during a pandemic?”

Ah, the logistics of dating. I barely have the time to shower; how am I supposed to carve out time to date? There’s a pandemic going on, BTW, so interaction with strangers, especially if unmasked, is frowned upon. On top of that, I moved to a completely new area where I know zero people, with the exception of my SIL, her fiance, my real estate agent, and Bryson’s daycare teacher. 

So, I signed up for Bumble. That was an epic fail. I should have listened to said medium. At one point I was just swiping left for kicks. I initially felt inspired by the power to decide who I would and would not interact with; I ended up giving myself more permission to not consider anyone. I started to question whether or not I am, in fact, really ready for this dating s**t again. Instead of making my disinterest mean something more than it is, I determined that I’m just not there yet with the whole online dating thing. I tried it once before during my “date-lationship” phase and had one laughable experience that only came into fruition because I promised one of my best friends I would go on at least one date. Disclaimer: I have nothing against online dating, especially during a time when literally there’s no other way. I know SO many people who have had wonderful experiences; my coach even found her current boyfriend through an online dating app. My brain finds evidence all around of how it could, at the very least, provide an opportunity for a glass of wine with an adult. The only risk being that said adult is a serial killer who preys on widows. So it’s a soft pass for me right now…maybe I’ll change my tune as I continue to write about dating again without actually experiencing it.

Preconception: “The pool is sparse.” 

Eliminating serial killers and psychopaths, I feel a little unsure about what to expect out there in my mid-30’s, with or without the “widow with child” situation. I’m talking to you my single friends…what does it look like out there?

Reverting back to my early-mid 20’s, I remember thinking, naively, that most of “the good ones” were already taken. Silly Christina. Honestly, this is such a ridiculous thought, just like it was back in the day. I know a lot of amazing men and women around my age or older, who are single/solo and killin it. But the crazy part of my brain, the part that tries to keep me safe and comfortable in my little nest of one, is telling me to prepare for crickets. 

Preconception: “What if I figure out I’m not ready? Buzzkill.”

Which leads me to this.  I asked myself, really, what if I find out I’m not ready? What if I go on a few dates and feel overwhelmed? What if I need more time? What if I breakdown and spiral? What if I accidentally make someone believe it’s more than what it is? What if…

So. what. Maybe that will happen. Maybe it won’t. Maybe, most likely, I’ll have moments where it feels overwhelming, sad, scary, and nauseating. Maybe that’s just part of love, grief, and life moving forward. Giving myself the grace and space to deal with all the intricacies that come along with this next chapter is non-negotiable. I can “what-if” myself for the next ten years, but how does that serve me? How does that help me create the life I want?

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All of these preconceptions about dating have run through my head time, and time again. I have to remind myself, a date is a date. It doesn’t mean marriage; it doesn’t even mean a relationship. I have no idea what the end game is for me in all of this. Let’s just start with a conversation and a drink.

It’s a little odd writing about dating when I actually haven’t gone on a single date, but I think it’s important to authentically represent all the chatter going on in my brain as I enter into this next chapter. A friendly reminder that this is MY experience, authentic to me and me alone. Judging ourselves, and judging others who may approach widowhood differently, is not only fruitless, it’s damaging. At the end of the day, none of us are doing this grief thing wrong. There is no right or wrong; we’re all trying to figure it out, one breath or one swipe left, at a time. 

Until next time friends,

Xtina